Donuts At Work....Do I? Don't I? Why Are They Doing This To Me?!!

Donuts at work. A seemingly regular happening that occurs pretty much in every work environment. Whether they are brought as just a sweet treat “thank you!” from fellow workers or as a freebie snack for coming in an hour early for a team meeting, those seemingly innocent rings of fried dough are really a minefield of decisions that can affect the rest of your day and bring out loads of judgement from the same fellow employees who decided to supply them in the first place. These things are legendary in their infamy.

If there is a meeting, you know they are coming and can try to decide what to do beforehand. Other times, they just show up out of nowhere causing consternation. So many questions begin to swirl once the email or word gets out—DONUTS IN THE BREAK ROOM! It is like some siren call to the hungry and underpaid. If you are in your email inbox you get the notice right away and can get there for first choice. If not, you become aware something is going on as a rumble begins to reverberate through the hallway—like a small stampede as people begin scurrying by your office as the it dawns on you something is happening, or more like. FREE FOOD is now available and everyone wants to get some before it is gone. Once you are in the room with them, that is when the real decision making and game play begins.

There they are in their dozen box calling out to me—”eat me!” So I stare at them without (trying not to) drooling contemplating so many things. Should I? If I do, which one? Do I take the whole thing and be judged? Do I take small piece? Do I take a small piece from more than one? Are any of them cream filled? Should I pretend calories don’t exist? How much judgement will I get? Why couldn’t they get some jelly ones? How long before the sugar crash? Is anyone watching and waiting? Is this a run night? Maybe I can run a little extra. Seriously, there are no jellies? I know they are judging me. I know I like apple fritters but that one looks weird. Suddenly there are several other people in the break room and, ugh, I can’t take all the judgement, I’m gonna pass and feel good I did not give into the deep fried dough covered in sugar. Until two hours later I change my mind after some stressful phone calls and back in the break room the box is still there and a small quarter of that pink frosted sprinkle dry looking one so….no.

Another few weeks goes by and I know there is a team meeting which means…..donuts! I make up my mind before I go—I’m gonna have one, and a whole one at that. Screw it all! I might even go all in and eat the fritter! The whole thing! I make a point to get to the meeting just before everyone else to get first choice…and avoid judgey mcjudgers! Strolling into the room only the manager is there, and he doesn’t eat donuts so all are there, sitting snuggly in their cardboard box. I approach with anticipation and open the top slowly…….

and aaaarrrrrggghhh!!!!! They went to the vegan donut place! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Sure, they might look pretty but NOOOOO!!!!! I’ve been to this place I will not name and ick, they have a weird texture, their flavors are lacking and they didn’t get any apple fritters which aren’t any good anyway. Oof, my morning just went all to hell! Damn those bastards! Here I was already to let it all gorge out and now, nothing. I mean seriously. And still no jelly! (Turns out the regular donut spot was closed for some unknown reason and this spot was nearest and well, whatever)

This is where determination and stubbornness come in as I make a pact with myself to again be the first at the next meeting and I am going to get that fritter no matter what. The next three weeks can’t go by fast enough! And of course, that time comes and it is a super stormy morning and I am rushing to get there on time but the forces of nature are against me! I arrive barely five minutes late.

But that is still too late! The fritter is gone. The whole thing! I see it sitting on the napkin of my co-worker as they sit there with no shame for taking the whole thing. I’m bummed, pissed, and wet from the all the rain. I sit there the whole meeting internally fuming and being judgey mcjudger. What they had to take the whole thing?! Who do they think they are! Ugh,WTF! Some people! Just wait till they ask for my help on something! That is not gonna happen! And no, I don’t want one of those other ones, my stomach was set on the fritter and if I can’t have that I don’t want nuttin’! Plus why do they keep getting that dry pink sprinkle one and STILL NO JELLY!

And then the day comes where it all works out. I’m first, I don’t care about the judgement and the apple fritter is there looking plump and luscious and calling out to me. F**k it and everyone else. I’m eating it and I am gonna make it last all day. I am gonna eat it little piece by little piece so people can see it at the meeting and on my desk till the end of the day! F that pink sprinkle and who cares if there is STILL NO JELLY! I am going to just enjoy the fritter all to myself and not worry about calories, or sharing or other people feelings and judgement! This is MINE ALL MINE! Oh it was a good day that day and if nothing else, I will always have the memory of the perfect apple fritter as I relish each and every sugary bite. And all is right with the world……

…..until the next meeting or email when another box of sweet tempters waltzes into the office and it all begins again. Stupid work donuts!